Labyrinth.

Tomorrow I return to the life or should I say "no life" of a BVC student. I am counting on it to pull me out of this emotional runt I have somehow fell into. It has been a long time since I've felt this way. It's rare when I choose to suffer alone. I am usually the kind of person who will express whatever I feel to any Tom, Dick or Harry, just as long as he/she is there when I feel something. Something has changed inside of me and I do not know what.

I am not happy when happiness is right in front of me. I feel torn apart when everything is going my way. I feel discontent when I have everything I could have ever wanted. I feel sad when there is nothing really to be sad about.

It feels as if my life has come to a stand still when in truth it is constantly moving forward. I need to break free from this cage that I at one time, willingly put myself into. I need a change of scenery, of landscape. I need to change my life. I need to be happy again.

I keep trying to bear in mind that the calm comes after the storm. But what if this calmness, has become too "calm"? What is there is no more "storm"? It feels like the excitement have been drained out of my life.

And I wish so much that I could get it back.

Is this really homesickness? Or a genuine wish to be rid of this life? Lately, I've been thinking more and more of home. There is no particular reason that keeps pulling me towards home. So why? Why the strong desire to go home?

I can't answer that. Not sufficiently anyway. Perhaps I have been away from my loved ones for too many years. I haven't lived in a HOME since the end of my 17th year. Perhaps something life altering is coming my way, but I am unaware of what it is. So many questions, not enough answers.

Just let me go home.

Believe it or not!

You'll never believe where I will be next Monday! Take a guess! WOOHOO!!!

Inspiration...

After countless months of inactivity, I have decided to start blogging again. Why today? I really do not know. Maybe after what happened, I've decided that life is too short to not document the happiness and sadness in my life. After all, when I am old and grey, I may need reminding of the glory days of my life. That's before Alzheimer's strikes me of course.

A tribute.

Dear Viktor, mi corazon espanol,

It was a sad day today when I found out that you have left this world. Although we haven't been in touch for quite some time, I was very fond of you in many ways. So I shed tears for you, remembering our happy days in Melbourne, reminising of the daily Japanese lunches we had, those sexy dance moves of yours in conjunction with mine at Next Blue, our prom where you and I were the centre of attention, and most of all I remember the kindness you bestowed upon me, when you came out in the freezing cold looking for me when I was upset. No one else other than you and Cliffton did that. I was so moved that day that I swore you would always be on my list of close friends.

I am sorry I didn't keep in touch. I am sorry I allowed our friendship to fade away. I am sorry I did not visit when I said I would. Your demise has taught me to appreciate those away from me even more. For the first time in years I rang up Cliffton today, to find out what had happened to you. After I ended the call, I realised that this was the most I have done in years to keep in touch with those who were always my friends in Melbourne. I promise on your memory, to reconcile my friendships with the rest of them who are still around, before it is too late. In death, you have taught me to remember. I thank you.

Mi corazon espanol. My Spanish sweetheart. You will always be in my thoughts and prayers. And everytime I go onto a dance floor, I'll do a little dance for you. Like you use to do for me. God bless you wherever you are.

Something new about myself.

Its been a long time since I've learnt something new about myself. I guess that's not so easy when you are in your own world with only yourself for company most of the time.

Today, I learnt something new about myself.

And I hate it.

The thought that I might be a quitter never ever entered my mind even for a second until today. I have never at the beginning of a new journey, look at myself with such low self-esteem, or viewed the journey in anyway scary or intimidating. Now I do. I constantly question myself if I made the right choice in embarking on this journey. I never learnt to doubt myself. That is, until today.

What has changed so much that the abundance of self-confidence I once possessed, or deemed to possess, has decided to abandon me at this crucial point in my life?

No regrets. Once, this was my motto. I regret, is the new one.

At the risk of sounding whiny...

I really wanna go home.

Is this the homesickness talking?

These days I have been floating around like a lost soul. Not knowing my direction and where I am heading. All of a sudden, I have lost a huge amount of confidence. To what do I attribute this problem to?

I have been having constant second thoughts of where my life is going and what I am doing with it.

Is BVC the right path? Or should I have sticked to my previous plans? Instead of in a way, selling out, for the sake of prestige?

Is UK really the place I want to be? Is it, when I repeatedly dream of being back in either Melbourne or Malaysia?

Is this the kind of personal life I wanna be living? Always vary. Always scared. But at the same time ecstatically happy?

I should be thankful to have all the benefits life has showered on me. But why do I still feel incomplete?

I guess maybe because what I am looking for to fill that void, is not material. Perhaps it is spiritual.

I WANT TIME TO STAND STILL OR AT LEAST SLOW DOWN!

DO YOU HEAR ME?!?